What is the RIGHT way to live?

After offering this experiment of A Year To Live to others I started feeling fearful about leading a group of people through this deeply personal process. As I sat with the fear I realized that I was holding onto an outdated image of leadership. One that didn't resonate with me. My intention with this experiment was initially to do it for myself, and then offer others the opportunity to live it for themselves. I offered to share things  with the group as they unfold for me and give suggestions, ideas, and resources that may inspire them. It felt important not to be directive as I couldn't possibly know what is appropriate for each person. I've never even met many of them.

After my first email of the year I started hearing from participants. Then of course it happened. Amongst the many that were telling me about their feelings, their plans, and their expectations there were a few that said, "Aren't you going to tell me what to do?", "Am I missing something? Where are the instructions for how to begin?" My initial response, which is the way I've responded to many situations throughout my life, was "I'm not doing it right."

It was a wonderful gift to see that old pattern creep in so soon in the experiment. The part of me that feels I can't do things right. I started wondering how often I've held myself back from doing things for fear I won't get it right. I remembered times when that fear stopped me from taking improv classes or dance classes. So sure I wouldn't be able to do it right. I also remembered times when it blocked my career. My friend Nancy showed me many years ago that I was approaching business opportunities offered to me with, "I wouldn't do it right". I had a belief that there was a "right" way to do things and that someone else knew this "right" way. Not me. I repeated this pattern over and over again, passing up opportunities, sure that I wouldn't get it right. Then Nancy guided me through that stuck place in a really graceful way. She said, "We know you don't know what to do, but if you were advising someone else on what to do in this situation, what would you say?"

Taking myself out of the picture was a great idea. I tapped into my intuition and suddenly "knew" what to do. Not because I had any more knowledge. I didn't. Perhaps I was bypassing knowledge and tapping into wisdom. That "knowing" we can all access when we stop thinking so much. Whenever I trust my intuition, tapping into that universal wisdom, things work out well. Unfortunately, regardless of the amazing experiences I've had from following my intuition I still override it regularly with thinking. Don't get me wrong, thinking is useful, and I'm grateful I have a functioning brain. But thinking is overused and there are many times when NOT THINKING is the answer.

I also remembered, with great compassion, the participants who contacted me before A Year To Live began and told me they feared they would not get it right. Mellissa Rudder wrote a thoughtful and eloquent piece about this in her blog. I encourage you to read it.

But before remembering that this pattern has been with me for so long, before remembering that I know to tap into my intuition which always gets it right, before remembering the participants who had this same fear, I had my patterned second response which is, "I'll change the way I'm doing it, because their way is the right way."  Thoughts kept swirling through my head, making me feel embarrassed, ashamed and not good enough. It didn't last long. I caught it quickly, that familiar old patterned. All I had to do was stop and breathe. As I breathed in I calmed down. As I breathed out I released fear and shame. I was quickly reminded of my intention in doing this. I once again felt that my intuition to provide suggestions but not directions was the right one. At least right for me, right now. 

Then a few days later I got a most powerful email from a participant. She began with "How does this work? Am I missing something? Should I be blogging? Creating a vision board?" By the fifth line she wrote, "If this were my last year to live I would structure it". Her email then turned into a dialogue she had with herself, in which she discovered what mattered to her most, she surprised herself with some of the things she wanted to accomplish because they didn't make logical sense. She got clear on how she wanted to be. She determined five things she wanted to accomplish in the year, and even prioritized her top two. In the end, all she needed from me was information about how to access the forum so she could share her experience and hear from others.

I'm so grateful for every single person who has asked me for more direction, and especially to this person who showed me that it's not needed. And I'm grateful for my pattern of thinking I'll get it wrong, as it continues to lead me to my intuition rather than logic.

Is Fear of Death Really A Fear of Life?

“For death begins with life's first breath. And life begins at touch of death” ~ John Oxenham

As people have signed up to join our experiment of A Year To Live, many have expressed a fear of dying. Some people have inquired about the experiment without committing, telling me they fear that if they commit to this they might bring death upon themselves. Others have asked me to change the name of the experiment so it would be more comfortable.  A year to live out loud, A year to Live of purpose. There have been several options presented. I haven't agreed to change the name because adding anything to it would suggest how I want people to live, and I have no desire to do that. 

What I'm really asking people to do is commit to A YEAR TO LIVE. Emphasis on LIVE. A challenge to live would inspire me to be and do something very different than it would for you. That's the beauty of this experiment. I don't expect our experiences to be all the same. And without living as if it's our last year we would lose the intensity that the nearness of death brings.

With some of these folks I've gotten into deeper conversations already. It turns out for some participants, what lies behind their fear of death is actually a fear of life. One participant said, "I've been on autopilot for over a decade. It's about time I started living." Another wrote, "I am so enmeshed in survival, which is more about not dying than living". A third said, "I'm not sure if I have the guts to do what I really want to do." Does any of this sound familiar? 

They all had valid reasons for their fear of living: Looking after an aging parent, potential of being ostracized by their family if they follow their dreams, worrying what will happen if they don't do what's expected of them.

We all have reasons for suppressing our passions, dampening our light, and doing what is required to maintain the status quo. So while I think it's true that many of us fear death, since we tend to fear with that which is unknown, I think it is also true that just as many of us may actually fear living. We've become so use to surviving, coping, and getting by that we've never challenged ourselves to LIVE. 

A Year to Live is just that- a year to live with full intensity, integrity, surrender, or whatever calls you. To live as if it's the most important year, and will never come again. To live with full knowledge that one day you'll be gone. There's a chance some of us in this experiment won't live to the end of the year. There's a chance that I won't. While our own death, and preparing for it, will be a bigger part of our consciousness this year than it usually is, we'll be using it as the inspiration to live more fully now.  I'm a believer that what you resist persists and that by fearing death we perpetuate it's hold over us and miss the opportunity to really live.

“For death begins with life's first breath. And life begins at touch of death” 

What does this quote mean to you?

Things are stirring up with A YEAR TO LIVE

When Margot recommended that I invite others to join me in my experiment to live next year as if it's my last I thought it was a great idea. I invited my family first. Then some close friends. Then I sent out an email invite to a larger group and even posted that invite on Facebook and Twitter.

The response has been beyond what I could have imagined. I've been getting a wide and wonderful variety of responses. Many enthusiastic joiners saying things like, "I'm IN!", "This is just what I needed", "I"m scared but excited. Thanks for sharing this idea". Then I got one that stopped me in my tracks. Amidst all of the happy people signing up to live next year with more gusto, passion and consciousness, I got a long email from a man who was very angry with me. He called me IRRESPONSIBLE and REPREHENSIBLE. I've never been called reprehensible before, at least not to my face. He told me he hoped the experiment would get SQUASHED before it got started. He used CAPS so it felt like he was yelling at me. I don't know who this man is but I was shaken by his response to what I am doing.

I responded to his email with as much calm as I could muster. I could tell this man had a deep concern and passion for people. He was worried that I was going to lead them to live wildly for a year and blow all their money. That people would be left destitute at the end of this experiment and I would be to blame. I tried to reassure him that it was not my intent, but in the end I won't take responsibility for how others choose to live their lives. If someone leaves a soul-sapping job and starts a dream career, if passion is rekindled in marriages, people become better parents, or get into the best shape of their life I won't be responsible for that either.

So, why is it that I was so rattled? Well, there are two things at play:

First is that a small part of me is afraid people might have a bad experience next year and blame me. I've had a tendency in my past to feel overly responsible for others. I've grown and now see others as capable, and I know that I can't see what is the best path for others because I'm not living their life. I may have my ideas, and offer suggestions but I don't have the answers. My intention is that people will have a great experience, but life will do what it will and I can't guarantee that any of us will have a good time.

Second is that I really like to be liked. I think of myself as a good person, and it matters to me how others think of me. Clearly it matters too much. In fact I can think of times in my life when I've held myself back for fear that people might think badly of me for stepping out of line, acting too big, following my passion. I don't even know if people have thought badly, just the fear of it has kept me small at times.

Fred's email was a great opportunity for growth for me, and today I am so thankful to him, whoever he is. For me this experience is about growing into the person I want to be. The one who will boldly live her life in love and joy, who will offer inspiration to others to join her in the dance, but trusting that we all hear the music we are meant to hear and we will move in the way that best suits us. So I am moving forward to the music that is calling me to Live a Year like I've never lived before.

Thank you Fred, whoever you are.

If you want to join me in this experiment, email me at; Debra@Bcelebrated.com