Is Fear of Death Really A Fear of Life?

“For death begins with life's first breath. And life begins at touch of death” ~ John Oxenham

As people have signed up to join our experiment of A Year To Live, many have expressed a fear of dying. Some people have inquired about the experiment without committing, telling me they fear that if they commit to this they might bring death upon themselves. Others have asked me to change the name of the experiment so it would be more comfortable.  A year to live out loud, A year to Live of purpose. There have been several options presented. I haven't agreed to change the name because adding anything to it would suggest how I want people to live, and I have no desire to do that. 

What I'm really asking people to do is commit to A YEAR TO LIVE. Emphasis on LIVE. A challenge to live would inspire me to be and do something very different than it would for you. That's the beauty of this experiment. I don't expect our experiences to be all the same. And without living as if it's our last year we would lose the intensity that the nearness of death brings.

With some of these folks I've gotten into deeper conversations already. It turns out for some participants, what lies behind their fear of death is actually a fear of life. One participant said, "I've been on autopilot for over a decade. It's about time I started living." Another wrote, "I am so enmeshed in survival, which is more about not dying than living". A third said, "I'm not sure if I have the guts to do what I really want to do." Does any of this sound familiar? 

They all had valid reasons for their fear of living: Looking after an aging parent, potential of being ostracized by their family if they follow their dreams, worrying what will happen if they don't do what's expected of them.

We all have reasons for suppressing our passions, dampening our light, and doing what is required to maintain the status quo. So while I think it's true that many of us fear death, since we tend to fear with that which is unknown, I think it is also true that just as many of us may actually fear living. We've become so use to surviving, coping, and getting by that we've never challenged ourselves to LIVE. 

A Year to Live is just that- a year to live with full intensity, integrity, surrender, or whatever calls you. To live as if it's the most important year, and will never come again. To live with full knowledge that one day you'll be gone. There's a chance some of us in this experiment won't live to the end of the year. There's a chance that I won't. While our own death, and preparing for it, will be a bigger part of our consciousness this year than it usually is, we'll be using it as the inspiration to live more fully now.  I'm a believer that what you resist persists and that by fearing death we perpetuate it's hold over us and miss the opportunity to really live.

“For death begins with life's first breath. And life begins at touch of death” 

What does this quote mean to you?

Live as if you're Going to Die.

One of the goals of Bcelebrated is to help people experience life as if they are going to die. Yes, the site enables people to document their life story, create private messages for people they love, prepare a notification system for the time of their death and make their last wishes known, but none of those are our "raison d'etre".


Our hope is that as people write about their lives, create messages for loved ones, and prepare for the end of their life, they will benefit from the reflection, be encouraged to live more inspired lives, and leave a legacy of hope and inspiration for others.

So what the heck do I tweet about, blog about, and tell our Facebook fans? I've gotten a lot of good advice regarding topics, but none of them feel like "it". Healthy eating, exercise, spirituality, sexuality, seniors issues, end of life ethics, and estate planning can all be discussed under the banner of Bcelebrated, as they all have to do with living and dying. But they don't capture the spirit of our intent. And besides I'm not an expert in any of them. In fact, I'm not an expert in anything.

Then my friend and mentor Margot Franssen said to me, "The world doesn't need another expert. What we need are advocates! And that's what you are ~ an advocate for living a deeper, more meaningful, spiritual life".

She's right. I'm an advocate for living fully and Bcelebrated is a vehicle to inspire that.

But... what do I tweet about? That question still haunts me. Stay tuned for the answer....

How it all began...

Dread gripped my stomach when I woke up that morning. After a glorious week in the small Mexican fishing village it was time to go home. Now, that might be enough for most people to get a sinking feeling, but it was more than that. Ominous clouds had rolled into the bay overnight. The wind was cold and the rain had started.

Covered in garbage bags for raincoats, we waited on the dock for the tiny fishing boat that would take us back to Puerto Vallarta to catch our flight. Angry waves crashed over the dock soaking our legs. When the boat finally arrived we fell over one another trying to find a seat and our balance in the choppy water. As the boat pulled away from the protected bay the waves grew higher, rougher and more terrifying.

This had been a return visit for my husband and I. We had met in this village six years earlier when I was living here. It had been a wonderful vacation, up until now. I had seen bad weather on this route back when I lived here, but I'd never seen anything like this. The “captains” never fear, always staying light-hearted and jovial. So when the seasoned captain and his friend stopped joking and passed out life preservers – something I have never I'd never seen them do before – I knew we were in trouble. Deep trouble. There were not enough life jackets for us all. And most adults were given kids sizes.

As waves crashed over the bow I was convinced I was facing my death. The shore was only visible when we would crest a wave. Otherwise it was gray sky and water in every direction. I don’t know why, but I didn't fear death. Maybe I was still on the high of celebrating six years with the love of my life. I became acutely aware of all the blessings in my life and I felt ready to go.

Still, I had a haunting feeling. My poor mom and friends would have to try to figure out how to reach all of the people I know to inform them of my death. I've lived in three countries, I have friends all over the world, and I’m not very organized with my contacts. Where would they look to figure out who my friends are? How would they know who is relevant and who isn’t? Would anyone think to contact Omar in Sri Lanka? Would they find that ratty old phone book?

No matter how many times my mom has told me, I've still not gotten around to creating a will. So how will anyone know my last wishes? Will people argue as they try to figure it out? These thoughts bothered me more than the thought of actually losing my life. I felt terribly irresponsible.

Not only would my loved ones be grieving my death, but they’d be left with the nightmare of figuring out who to contact and what to say. Not an easy job at all. I also realized that I have things I want to express. If I was going to die I’d like to have a chance to say that I don’t’ mind, I’ve loved my life, I’ve learned so much, enjoyed so many things and felt the love of such good people. I’d do it all again if I had to and I really don’t have regrets.

We eventually reached the shore. The captain threw our luggage on the beach. Water poured out of it as if it had been salvaged from the bottom of the ocean. As if it was a scene from a movie - the winds died, the sun came out and our bodies slowly dried. Once I stopped shaking and Mark had a beer in his hand we talked about what we had just experienced. A few months earlier our friend Charles Campbell made a passing comment that “it would be great to have a service that sent an email out to everyone you know at the time of your death”. We knew in that moment on the beach that we would develop that service. But more than that, we knew from our experience that it’s important not just to be prepared for death but to celebrate life and we were determined to help people do that.

That is how Bcelebrated.com began.